Last night I heard my cell phone ring. I wondered who could be calling me at 11 p.m. I answered the phone and heard an unfamiliar man’s voice. Me: Hello, is this an emergency? Caller: You could say …
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Last night I heard my cell phone ring. I wondered who could be calling me at 11 p.m. I answered the phone and heard an unfamiliar man’s voice.
Me: Hello, is this an emergency?
Caller: You could say that. Is this Mary Stobie?
Me: Yes. Who is this?
Caller: My name is Humperdink Snorkle.
Me: I don’t think I’ve met you.
Caller: You don’t know me, but I know you! Over the past few months, I’ve read three columns you’ve written about Geezers.
Me: Ah, yes, I see. My columns on how to be a geezer.
Caller: You’ve got me hooked! Please tell me you’re going to write a fourth geezer column and keep the series going.
Me:, Yes, yes, of course.(Yawn). I’m sending the fourth one in to my editor tomorrow morning. (I was actually making this up, but wanted to end the phone call.)
Caller: Thank you. Now I can rest easy.
Me: You’re welcome.
Then I started feeling sympathy for dear Humperdink Snorkle, the man who loves my Geezer columns. I went down to my computer during the wee hours of the morning and started writing. The following is what came out:
Now, as a reader, you may be asking, what is a geezer? Is a geezer just an older person? No, a geezer has an attitude. You ask what is the attitude of a geezer? Okay, Okay. Instead of attempting to conceal your age , as a geezer you flaunt it. Have fun with aging. Ramp up your foibles. The following suggestions will help you let everyone know that you are proud to be a geezer.
1. While having coffee at Starbucks, start a spirited discussion about whether motorcycle cops should wear plaid or paisley.
2. If the City Council meeting is dragging, pluck out your bottle and blow bubbles.
3. Sitting in the tree in your front yard, you read the newspaper. After you’ve finished a few pages, wad them up. Ask a passerby, “Do you like baseball?” If the passerby says yes, toss the ball of paper down and say, “Catch!”
4. Shave your head except for one chartreuse braid.
5. Say, “I remember a 1960s rock group with heart trouble. They were called Gerry and the Pacemakers.”
6. You’ve heard that green tea cures restless leg syndrome. You’ve never had it but you drink a pot just in case.
7. Go to an art exhibit and interpret the subjects in paintings. You claim, “That gopher means the artist likes to hide in holes.”
8. Become a nuisance at parties. If you have just seen a movie, say to everyone, “You’ve got to see this!” Then tell the plot, the climax and the ending.
9. Use a butterfly net to catch thoughts that fly away.
10. When the weatherman says it’s going to be a chilly day, with a high of 48 degrees, you walk to the grocery store. You wear two hooded parkas, snow pants, rubber boots, goggles, with two ski poles for balance.
I imagine Humperdink Snorkle will read this column. I wrote it thinking about him. I like to know I am connecting with readers, even if one of them calls late at night.
Mary Stobie is a syndicated geezer. Contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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